It took me a while to get here but I can see things more clearly now. The more devastating it felt back then, the more liberating it feels now.
The idea of letting you go after all we had been through seemed unthinkable and unachievable at the time. It meant accepting that there’s no way we can go back to how we used to be: so madly in love.
It meant accepting that no matter how much we cared for one another or wanted to make it work, we were not compatible. Sadly, I was still the one trying at any cost to make it work. I wanted above all things to make amends and find ways to get along.
But I had lost myself so much in crying and searching that I thought I could never be fixed again.
I was willing to go through whatever it took, even agony, to save the relationship. The hurting was too much to bear so I found excuses to hold on to you. Even after we were over, I still couldn’t understand why or how.
There was no way that could have been the end, I thought, because the love of your life doesn’t just appear in your life and vanish like that.
But after all this time, I have stopped blaming you for quitting on us so easily. I felt scattered, lost, destroyed and excruciatingly lonely. I soon learned that grieving comes at a price. It can be a draining process, but it is also worth it. It is what brought me here.
I finally came to not only accept that there will never be an ‘us’ again, but also understand that we were not meant for one another. I deserve someone who will not leave right away when things get tough or when I’m at my lowest.
Understanding also means I cannot be mad at you forever so know I have forgiven you, ten times before in my mind. I now get it and it’s okay, it’s freeing and it’s painless. And I know that only by genuinely accepting what happened I will make room for reconnecting with myself.